5 Parts of Trust in Marriage

Trust in Marriage – Wrapping up my Trust series

Being married to my husband has been one of the best experiences in my life.

It’s truly amazing when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. The person that you promise before God, all your friends, and all your family to stick with through thick and thin, sickness and health, good times and bad.

Have you ever noticed that wedding vows don’t just mention the good stuff? Vows purposefully mention the whole spectrum of life for a reason. The reason is this: No matter how much you love your spouse at the time you get married, this life can be really hard at times. You need to go into a marriage with the mindset that this person is your partner through ALL of it.

Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years.

1-Love. Above all else Love.

As the commandment goes “Love others as you would love yourself.”

Most of the time once you get comfortable in your marriage a level of niceness disappears.

You need to think about how you would want someone else to treat your spouse. If it’s nicer then how you are treating them, it’s time to bring the love back. The love that God wants in your marriage.

A huge part of trust in marriage comes from the love you show one another and how you show it to each other.

2-Partnership – Partnership does not just happen when you say “I DO”

The key to finding partnership is to talk with each other. When necessary, hash things out – respectfully.

You each need to bend to each other. Being married to someone doesn’t mean you agree on everything right away. Or that one of you just says it’s my way or the highway. It means you should talk it out and find a happy compromise.

To trust in a marriage you need to find a great complimentary partnership. Kinda like all those cop shows where they “have each other’s backs” you need to have that in a marriage.

3- Money – Finances comes into every marriage – like it or not – you need to talk about it. You cannot hide from money in this world.

I can’t stress enough how important having the conversation about money is, both before and during marriage. Every couple months if not more often you should both sit down with the bills and with your dreams. Find out what each other is thinking.

Whether you two want to buy a house or a refrigerator, you need to make a plan – together.

Retirement – Talk about it! Don’t assume your spouse knows what you’re thinking (about anything). Talk honestly and come up with a game plan both of you can agree on.

Finances are one of the biggest arguments that can come up between husband and wife.

DON’T LET IT!

Set up your priorities for both of you – in order. Write it down. Revisit the conversation regularly. If your plan doesn’t seem to be working rework it!

You two are in charge of how you spend your money. Talk about it so both of you can rest easy with a plan you can stick to.

For instance – My husband and I did a budget once that left out us going out together. Well we blew the budget the first week! The two of us going out to dinner is a priority because it’s how we connect without the little ones interrupting. We redid the plan to one we could both stick to.

Chat about finances, without arguing, without emotions, look at it as a brainstorming session you two get to be the bosses of.

If you don’t have a budget or know where to start I recommend DaveRamsey.com. He has sound advice and free tools that we used to get our finances on track.

4- The bedroom. Ok so not many people love to talk about this in public. Especially in Christian circles but it needs to be talked about.

The bedroom is a place you need to be able to trust one another. To have trust in intimacy you need to connect regularly.

I know it’s hard with little ones – trust me – I know but that is no excuse.

As married couples the frequency for all of us looks a little different. But if you want to build trust and enjoy what God has planned for your marriage it should be often (at least a few times a week).

Intimacy is the biggest difference between roommates and lifelong lovers.

Keep intimacy strong in your marriage.

A blog that I follow that helps with marriage encouragement is www.the-generous-wife.com

If you’re a guy her husband has a blog (that I don’t read but it’s geared for all the hubbies out there its called

www.the-generous-husband.com

5 – Husband first then kids. Ok Jesus first, then husband, then kid if you want to get technical.

By showing my kids that I support their father and he supports me it shows them how marriage is supposed to work. It helps them to know that they can’t play us against each other and it helps them to know that the world really doesn’t revolve around them no matter how much they want it to.

Calm your britches I’m not talking about neglecting my children – not for one second. I’m talking about showing my children that their Father is a priority.

I pray that this advice helps you.

5 Ways to Trusting a Teenager

5 ways to Trust a teenager

So on this roller-coaster of parenthood, kids eventually get to this period of life called “teenager.”

As a teenager the parents are no longer the center of their universe. As the parent you can pray that all the lessons in modesty and common sense stay in their big, precious noggins.

During these years of teenage hood it’s like a fine dance. They are fighting for their independence and you are fighting to keep them safe with you.

Our trick is for the give and take to happen slowly and seamlessly so that everyone benefits. I should add here that if you’re a “Free-range parent” This list is lost on you and so is this whole post. Every family is different as is every teenager. Needless to say I don’t judge those who parent differently, we all have our different paths in life. Boundaries help in a major way in our life of parenting.

In what I’ve seen if you throw all boundaries away at once your teenager will flounder and not know what to do. They might just get into trouble with lack of any other guidance. Teenagers are extremely smart and have a lot to contribute at this age whether it be around the house or at church. Use this time to utilize their strengths in productive ways.

My oldest child has two years left till she is on her way to college. So this is the process that we have accomplished so far. My husband and I discussed every one of these five steps before hand. We tend to give each other a nice balance.

These are the 5 things I’ve found so far that helped. *Disclosure here: these are not the only ways, these are just the ways that worked for us.

• Don’t be Peer-Parent Pressured. Don’t feel pressured into doing something just because your teen says everyone else is allowed to do it. This one is easy to say you would never do but when you’re in the situation you might second guess your answer. My suggestion is to not make any yes or no decision on the spot. Tell your child to tell you all the information and then you can give them an answer in five minutes. In that time you can pray about it or ask your spouse or both. Often giving a knee jerk answer can lead to regret when you realize you have more questions than answers about the situation.

• Going on a jog by themselves. This one was hard for me. There came a point that I found I was slowing down my youngster, when we were out jogging. I am very slow and her doing circles around me was not going to work. We had to make a plan. Before she went out on her own we drove the route together and said exactly where she could go.  This helped so that there was no miscommunication and no excuses on her part that she could claim not to understand. We also gave her a cell phone so she could call us in case she fell and got hurt or scared.

• The mall. The mall can be a scary place if you stop to think about it. There is a fair amount of crime and assaults all the time in our local mall that you might not even realize. So even though some of my daughter’s friends were allowed to go to the mall without parents nearby we were not one of those parents. We did however let her pick a friend and I would be close but not underfoot. It’s a fine line between being “embarrassing” and still being watchful.

• Running into a store without you. Ok this step gave me a little anxiousness because I was waiting in the car impatiently. I really thought it was important to trust my teenager to go into the store without me. It was funny too because she called a few times on her phone to ask questions about things that she had never noticed before.The important thing about this was doing it before she turned sixteen and needed to go to multiple stores on her own. I don’t want my children to just “figure it out” I want them to feel prepared to meet the world. Doing that when they are an adult is just too late.

• The Movies. Your children having friends with parents that are similar helps in this process. Finding a trusted friend and dropping them off together and picking them up together is a good way for your teen to be on their own for bursts of time.This way they get to feel like they’re on their own but they have a friend who won’t leave them alone.

Some people might think we’re a little conservative. When it comes to freedoms and our kids we don’t play around.

I will add that some of the activities she picked had certain freedoms in them. For instance she does sports, band, and the ambulance post that all have a level of trust and commitment that she has worked for.

I personally believe that by doing some version of a step by step process helps children come into the freedoms of adulthood naturally rather than being thrown into it.

Setting our children up to be able to navigate this world is one of many goals we have for them.

A verse for parents

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace

Proverbs 29:17

 

A verse to remind our children (and parents)

Apply your heart to instruction

And your ears to the words

Of knowledge.

Proverbs 23:12

Trust in Adoption

Trust in Adoption

This month I have been working through a series on trust and the various ways that it effects my life.

Today, I would like to talk about adoption. I know what your thinking – “What does trust have to do with adoption?” Trust is huge in the process of adoption. From trusting the agency you use to trusting the child/ren that come into your home. There are a lot of questions out there about adoption and I would love to answer them. Adoption is one of those things close to my heart (of course because I’ve adopted four of my children).

Trust comes more easily for some than others. It’s scary to think of the process to receive a child into your home, to prepare yourself for such a wonderful thing, and then to have no guarantee that you will receive a child.

The process is daunting when you first start researching adoption. The paperwork alone could wallpaper an entire house.

For my husband and I international adoption was too expensive. It seemed like a lost cause when I first started researching how much money it would take to bring a child home.

Then, through an internet search, I found our state’s Department of Children and Families (DCF).

I wasn’t really sure about that process either because I had heard of horror stories of children being taken back after years of being with a family. I decided to ask the hard questions myself. We went in very leery of the process because the thought of children coming in and out and not staying was heart breaking. Not to mention we didn’t want to do that to our oldest daughter (mine through marriage).

I’m not going to lie there is some risk when you go to adopt. How much risk you want to take is different for each family. Our state’s system assesses the risk level of each child as to whether they will most likely go back with their biological family (high risk) or if they need to start the process for adoption (low risk).

Even though we signed up for a low risk adoption, it was nerve racking. I found myself on my knees praying for all of the paperwork to go through. Daily I had to trust God and pray that if it was God’s will for my children to stay with us that it happens smoothly.

All children come from God and are God’s. We all belong to Him. However, it’s hard to think that way, when you’re waiting for your very own child to take care of.

In this situation it’s hard to trust in God, but you still have to.

If my husband and I did not trust that this was God’s path for us we might never have had our children. I can’t imagine life without them, nor do I want to. No matter how much I whine about Autism or the effects that neglect had on them, I still love them. God still entrusted them to us. I am forever grateful.

Pure and genuine religion

in the sight of God the Father

means caring for

Orphans and widows in their distress

and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

James 1:27